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Monday, January 10, 2011

Childhood Jealousies

Today in a sudden configuration of emotions I surrendered to childhood jealousies.  It was the jealousies of a younger brother who sees his older brother getting something that he didn’t.  It happened this way.  Ryan, a relatively new hire who happens to be in fact less than half my age, began to receive a lot of attention from our boss, Mark.  Even though I didn’t know the circumstances, I began to suddenly get a little jealous from this extra attention.  Then it became clear that Ryan was getting something special, something I did not have.  Someone, I assumed our manager, had requested that Ryan get “up to speed” in some job dimension not offered to me.  I tried to quash the jealous feelings by reminding myself that I was, after all, an adult.  Such feelings had no place in my mature life.  Needless to say, such self-talk had limited to no effect.  Later in the day when we were alone, I confessed to Ryan the feelings of childhood jealously that suddenly swept over me.  At first he was a little bewildered at what I was talking about.  Then he laughed and said, “Oh, you mean getting me virtual access.  You can have it if you want it.  This access is for me to handle emergency trouble calls on the weekends.”  Suddenly the clouds of jealously vanished for I seriously cherish my quiet, duty-free weekends.  Confession, like freedom, is good for the soul.

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