Click Map for Details

Flag Counter

Monday, August 13, 2012

What's That's Secret You're Keeping?

Apart from eating, drinking and sleeping, what can you look back and say you've done “all your life”? (Serendipity Bible 10th Anniversary Edition, page 882).

The easy and most universal and consistent answer to this question is that throughout my life I have been imperfect. After that, a persistent blindness and an inability to see things in perspective follows closely. But tonight I would like to discuss a third persistent feature of my life – the feeling of estrangement and being left out of “in-groups.” The in-groups listing would be long and would include everything from friendship groups, to high school cliques, to brilliant honor roll students, to Ivy League universities, to college instructors, to a long list of professionals and their professions, to the hard sciences, to the connoisseurs of art, music, fine cuisine, esoteric philosophy, the political elite, people of power and practical affairs, elected officials, rock stars, people with egregious talents, and perhaps the most perverse of all, feeling left out of the company of neurotic and prolific geniuses, and even of the degenerate, rebellious and counter-cultural. Any assets and accomplishments that I might have too often have seemed woefully ordinary and nondescript – deserving to be totally discounted and shunned.

I would love to say this is something that I have completely outgrown. But the tug of envy within my innermost soul even yet occasionally makes itself felt. I have lived to see many of those that I envied crash and burn in their own lives. But curiosity combined with a lust for power, influence, and the desire to be different (special) are deeply ingrained within my character. I continue to sometimes yearn for the smugness that comes from being safely above the entirely dismissible, deplorably average, and depressingly ordinary. In short, being among the nondescript “salt of the earth” has few provisions to satisfy my persistent hungry for distinction even if met through Faustian deals with darkness.

Print Page